


Under the Pale Blue Moon

by Khaelis



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Non-Graphic Smut, Sharing a Bed, Tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 09:40:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12628176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khaelis/pseuds/Khaelis
Summary: The Doctor and Rose finally indulge in some holidays on a distant planet, to partake in the festival of the Blue Moon.The Tardis decides a slight change in the coordinates can't hurt.[Prompt-based | Fake Relationship & Bed Sharing]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the doctorroseprompts "Fake relationship and Bed sharing" prompt of November! (which is more about bed sharing than fake relationship, really)
> 
> This story will be split into three parts, which should be all posted by tomorrow night!  
> It's been quite a while since I wanted to write something based on that trope, so that monthly prompt gave me the opportunity to do it!
> 
> I hope you'll like it, please let me know what you thik! :)

* * *

 

 

Truth be told, Rose’s eyes had never widened in awe as much as they were in that moment. And, true to his word, the Doctor had finally taken her on a different planet, a real, alien planet, so deep in the universe that she might have believed it was uninhabited if it weren’t for the village she could see in the distance. She had regretted her complaints when she’d seen the mild hurt in his eyes and the way his shoulders had slumped a bit, but in that moment she couldn’t bring herself to care anymore - and even he had admitted that her complaints were legitimate, so her regrets had been short-lived.

 

More often than not, they would go back in time, yes, but just as often, she’d only get to see London, or, in the best cases, other parts of Britain. Nineteenth century Britain was nice, she couldn't deny that, especially when that meant she got to meet Queen Victoria. But it was still Britain, Earth. Sometimes, they would go to the future, just to get a taste of what life would be or could be like, thousands, millions of years after her own time. But then, they’d mostly end up on big spaceships floating around space, satellites orbiting planets or taking lazy strolls through unknown galaxies. Metal ships, with metal walls, metal gratings, metal ceilings, and, when luck was on their side, they could sometimes get to enjoy bits and pieces of plastic.

 

So, tired of seeing the same things all the time despite having the whole of time and space at their fingertips, Rose might have had _convinced_ the Doctor to take her somewhere different. And given what she was currently observing, he had delivered, in the most beautiful and amazing ways.

 

They were standing atop a high hill covered in bright orange grass, dotted with a few bushes of blue thorns and crismon tiny balls that seemed to be magically floating in the air, hovering with a light buzz around the troves of leaves. A path of pebbles opened the way right before her. It was sided with cute small pear-shaped trees - that she hoped the Doctor and his hate of the juicy fruit would take no notice of, or at the very least not mention - and multicolored birds were chirping merrily all around them, flying in broad circles above their heads, or hopping from one branch to another with what must have been the local version of earthworms tweezed in their sharp beaks.

 

The whole picturesque scenery was bathed into a soft green light, glowing from the two suns that appeared to hang so low in the sky Rose believed she might have been able to touch them with her fingertips. That definitely was the kind of romantic alien scenery she’d been longing to see ever since she’d started travelling with the Doctor - though by romantic, she didn’t necessarily mean the kind of place propitious for grand declarations of love or anything. She’d accepted a long time ago that the Doctor wasn’t into any of that anyway. It was just a beautiful place, peaceful and relaxing, and after a whole month of wild adventures and running for her life without respite, this would be a perfect opportunity to sit back and rest for a while.

 

Rose tightened the straps of her small backpack and wiggled her fingers towards the Doctor, an excited smile spread over her features.

  


“Come on, Doctor,” she prompted him, immediately clasping her hand around his when he joined her. “I can’t wait to see that festival you told me about. The _Blue Moon_ , yeah?”

“Quite right!” he smiled back at her, their arms swinging merrily as they started their walk along the path. “Three full days of festivities in honor of the Goddess Vianey. No monster, no running, just drinks and food galore! And one of the most beautiful sunsets you’ll ever see around this universe.”

“I am _so_ ready for this,” Rose laughed, making a few birds flap their wings in annoyance when the walked under a canopy of yellow branches. “Not that I don’t like our adventures, Doctor, but I really needed some holidays.”

“Yep, holidays sound right about perfect,” he nodded his approval as he readjusted his hold on the small picnic basket he’d decided to bring - just in case Rose wouldn’t be too fond of the local delicacies. “”We’ve deserved a nice break on a friendly planet, haven’t we?”

“Oh, yes, we have indeed.”

  


They both fell in a comfortable silence as they slowly made their way to the gathering of little houses that were now hidden from view because of a steep slope. Rose was sighing contently every few seconds, and each sound she made had a small grin grow on the Doctor’s face, until he was positively beaming. He loved seeing her like that, head stretching towards the sky to enjoy the gentle warmth of the suns, sometimes stopping dead in her tracks to whisper excitedly, pointing as the various animals scurrying through the blades of grass or clawing their way up the trunks of the trees. He realized he should have done that a long time ago. Just taking her to a quiet planet to spend some quality time without death threats hovering over their heads like a Damocles sword. _Or_ maybe he shouldn’t have. At all.

 

Because here, with nothing to occupy his hands and his mind but Rose Tyler, it was becoming impossibly harder to keep his feelings securely locked away in a dark corner of his hearts. There was nothing to see but the beauty of her smile, nothing to feel but the heat of her small hand in his, nothing to smell but the sweetness of her perfume, nothing to hear but the delightful melody of her voice. He knew she had no idea of what he truly felt for her - he hadn’t realized the nature of his own feelings until fairly recently - because he himself was always doing his best to ignore it. The adventures helped. A lot. Adrenaline safeguarded all those emotions he didn’t want to deal with. Exhaustion suffocated the surges of affection he fell prey to much more often than he liked to admit. Relief made a perfect excuse when it came to the waves of love - _relief_ , part of him insisted - that crashed over him at the end of their action-packed adventures, when they both made it out safely despite the odds not being much in their favour. They perfectly shielded all the feelings he didn’t want to feel.

 

But in that moment, there was no adrenaline, exhaustion or relief to be had. Just the calm of the landscape, the slow rhythm of their steps on the pebbled path, and that pleasant lightheadedness that came when that flawless little woman laughed with him, tugged on his hand and looked at him - looked _through_ him, with that cheeky smile and cheerful glint in the depth of her whiskey eyes.

  


“Something wrong, Doctor?” Rose asked with a slightly concerned frown - and it was only then that he realized she’d been asking him questions about this planet, without getting a single answer.

“No, ‘course not,” he shook his head, an unnatural grin splitting his face in two. “What is it you want to know again?”

“Never mind,” she shrugged her answer when they finally reached the gates to the village. “So, where to now?”

“We need to register at the city hall first, then check in… Oh.”

  


The Doctor froze on the spot when his eyes landed on two aliens that were half his size, their round, almost legless bodies glimmering with an odd green hue. They sported two pairs of long antennas that ended with what the Doctor knew to be ear canals, and their mouths opened in a smile to reveal a ridiculously small pink tongue and sharp, pointy teeth.

  


“Thormaus,” the Doctor whispered under his breath, taking a quick look around to make sure that his theory was the right one - or, better, the _wrong_ one.

“I’m sorry?” Rose asked, letting go of his hand when he started to walk in circles around a short perimeter, his eyes flying from one pair of aliens to the other, fingers anxiously ruffling the mane of tousled hair on the top of his head.

  


Rose didn’t understand the reasons of the sudden panic the Doctor seemed to be experiencing, but she instantly noticed how the looks the duos of aliens were offering had drastically changed as soon as she had dropped his hand. Their smiles had transformed into grimaces,  their greetings turning into what she was quite certain were insults given that the Tardis refused to translate their words, their apparent benevolence melting into spite and hatred.

  


“Um, Doctor?” she tried to warn him when a chunk of wood was thrown at her. “What the Hell is happening?”

  


The Doctor immediately rushed back to her side and tightly twined his fingers with hers, bringing their joined hands up from all to see with a forced smile and a few words of reassurance.

  


“Fine, we’re fine!” he proclaimed out loud, unaware that Rose was gaping at him with an air of incredulity. “Look, perfect, aliens here, sorry for the offence, we didn’t know!”

  


The small green aliens around them stopped to gauge them with a critical eye for several, long seconds, until the tension in the atmosphere cracked like a whip and everything went back to normal within a fraction of a second - Rose even had to accept an unrefined bouquet of exotic flowers, given to her with a warm welcome by a couple of creatures. The Doctor then proceeded to drag her to an unoccupied corner of the street, pulling on her hand a bit more forcefully than intended, but he was simply too desperate to get away from all these aliens and too mortified to fully control the movements of his body.

 

Rose gasped when she tripped over her own feet along that improvised half-march, half-run across the paved terrace, but she successfully managed to find purchase on a mud wall before she could stumble down - even if she hadn’t, the strong pull of the Doctor’s hand on the handle of her backpack would have been enough to prevent her fall, though he also had to wrap an arm around her waist so that she wouldn’t topple backwards. Rose sighed in defeat when she saw the Doctor tug on his earlobe with a sheepish grin, because she knew all too well what that meant.

  


“So, what planet is this, really?” she asked with an impressive self-control, hardly letting her annoyance transpire through her question.

“Well,” he started, the word drawling, like it did when he was either ashamed or uneasy. “Not Thormo, I grant you that.”

“What a surprise!” Rose exclaimed, and the Doctor didn’t miss the sarcastic connotation of her words.

“Not Thormo, but Thorma,” the Doctor quickly added, hoping it might alleviate her irritation and exasperation. “Twin planet. Same planet, really. Well, I say same. There are a few… Cultural differences, if I might say so. Especially when it comes to, um, relationships and stuff.”

  


At that point, the Doctor’s face had adopted a rather striking red hue, a blush spreading from his cheeks to the base of his neck, and he was now tugging on the knot of his tie that seemed to have wondrously shrunk by a few sizes. Rose’s annoyance soon gave way to amusement - when the Doctor was as unsure of himself as he was in that moment, she couldn’t help it. She gave his hand a compassionate squeeze and bumped his shoulder gently, trying to lighten the mood with a giggle and a wiggle of her eyebrows.

  


“Relationships, eh?” she asked, watching his face turn even redder than she thought possible.

“Relationships,” he confirmed with a curt nod. “The people here are matched with another one as soon as they’re born. They don’t understand the concept of being single. It is… Frowned upon. Hence their hostile behaviour. I’m sorry, we’ll just have to get back to the Tardis and…”

“Wait,” Rose interrupted, pressing a finger against his lips. “Same planet, you said. If I understand, that means same sunsets, same landscapes, same blue moon. Right?”

“Yes, but…”

“Then we’re staying,” she concluded with a tongue-touched grin, swiping imaginary dust off his shoulder. “Except if you _really_ can’t entertain the idea of pretending we’re together for some time. I know I don’t mind. Do you?”

“I…” he began, only to clear his throat a few times as his voice struggled to come out loud and clear. “I suppose not.”

“Good,” Rose smiled before she planted a quick, chaste kiss on his cheek. “Let’s go see that sunset, then.”

  


The Doctor swallowed with difficulty and his knuckles turned milky white as he tightened his hold on the handle of his picnic basket. He followed in Rose’s footsteps, hoping she couldn’t feel the sweat of his palm in hers, hoping she hadn’t noticed his sharp intake of breath when her lips had touched his skin, hoping he’d be able to keep all the feelings swarming in the pit of his stomach at bay. Her thumb brushed against his, her hair floating in the breeze created by her quick pace revealed the side of her slender neck, her eyes sparkled and her mouth stirred into a broad smile. And he instantly knew that this had been a huge mistake.

 

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes the second chapter!  
> The third and last one should be posted tomorrow!
> 
> Thanks for the kudos so far, guys! :)

* * *

 

 

“That spot seems just fine to me,” Rose smiled, taking in her surroundings with a satisfied look.

  
  


They were standing in a small area with a pretty, fairytale-like wood behind them and a tiny cliff dominating a lake to their front, offering a clear view of the sky, its two suns slowly setting on a horizon that was so close it looked like it was a masterful painting hung a few feet away. It was quiet, they hadn’t met any living souls for more than half an hour - part from the tiny squirrels that were much too skittish to remain around anyway - and they were quite sure no one would bother them in this part of the wood. 

  
  


“That spot it is, then,” the Doctor nodded his consent.

  
  


The Doctor released her hand, a detached smile on his face, but innerly that contact breaking was a much deserved relief. He’d never had any problem with hand-holding before, he usually even enjoyed it more than he dared to admit. A simple gesture, chaste and friendly enough not to sent his imagination swirling in a wild tornado of emotions, close and hot enough to bask in the touch of his beloved companion and be reminded that he wasn’t alone. But on this planet, holding her hand bore a completely different meaning. It had been unnerving to witness all the looks those aliens had given them, upsetting to know they all considered the both of them to be a couple when they actually were galaxies away from that reality. Rose hadn’t helped with her bloody teasing - winking, grinning,  _ unnuending _ stuff she wasn’t aware had tried his patience and stoicism to their darkest limits. 

 

The Doctor rubbed his sweaty palm on the cotton of his trousers with a discreet sigh and set his picnic basket down on the grass. At least, now that they were alone, they didn’t have to pretend anymore. One weight off his shoulders.

  
  


“Help me with the spread?” Rose asked as she took out a tartan cover out of her backpack.

“Sure,” he said, grasping two corners of the plaid spread and tugging on it a little so they could put it down on the grass.

“You should have told me, you know,” Rose suddenly said as she dropped her bag down - and was that renewed irritation in her voice?

“Told you what?” the Doctor raised his eyebrows, a bit baffled by the sudden change of mood.

“That it bothered you,” she shrugged, walking to the edge of the small cliff so she could turn her back to him. “Don’t say it didn’t. You just kept mumbling and muttering, and you sure took your distances. Hell, do you realize how rude you’ve been to those poor guys at the renting office?”

“I haven’t…” he tried to interrupt her, taking a few tentative steps towards her.

“ _ It is unacceptable _ ,” she imitated with scorn, swirling back on her feet to face him. “ _ How come you can’t rent us two sleeping bags? You could have more consideration for foreigners. We won’t come back _ , and I’m pretty sure that last word you told them was some kind of obscene word in Gallifreyan, wasn’t it?”

“No, I…”

“Look, Doctor,” she sighed, running her palm down her face. “I know there’s some stuff you don’t do, stuff you’re not comfortable with, and I get that. It’s fine, yeah? Just… Next time, tell me. Don’t pretend you’re fine with doing something when you’re clearly not. Okay?”

“Okay,” was his only answer, as if he didn’t want to build on the subject. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too. Let’s just… Forget about this and just set up the camp before it starts.”

  
  


The Doctor couldn’t help the pang of guilt that hit him hard in his stomach, but he still did as he was told. He had to if he wanted to hold on to what remained of his composure. He wished he could just tell her why he’d been reticent to pretend. When he held her hand, it wasn’t a game. When she kissed his cheek, it wasn’t playing. When his hearts swelled in his chest with every one of her soft touches, it wasn’t faking. It was all too real. Sometimes, he’d wonder why he refused to tell her. Then, he’d remember. She was human, he was not. He’d live for hundreds of years, she wouldn’t. She deserved so much better than him, he didn’t deserve an inch of her. He didn’t want to suffer, and, more than anything, he didn’t want  _ her  _ to suffer. He could come up with thousands of different reasons why them, together, could work out, but a single reason why it couldn’t was one reason too many that had the power to shatter all of his hopes and dreams into pieces. And that was why he would never tell her. What she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her. He’d always watch over her, make sure she had everything she could ever need, make sure to protect her, and that would be enough to tame the raging love and storming affection that took possession of his body whenever he looked at her. Rose, safe and well, was what mattered. His personal desires didn’t belong in the equation of their life together.

 

And on that final thought, they finished setting up their makeshift camp. One plaited spread to eat on, their provisions neatly piled on a corner, the single sleeping bag they had rented settled under a branch of a tree. He rummaged inside his pocket to find his sonic screwdriver, aimed it at the logs they had gathered and lit a small but adequate fire.

  
  


“All done,” the Doctor smiled, leaving his self-resent behind him to start this night on healthy grounds.

“Oh, yes,” Rose sighed in delight as she let herself plop down on the spread, leaning back on her elbows. “I feel like it’s been an eternity since I’ve properly sat down and done  _ nothing _ . “

“Eternity doesn’t exist,” he pointed out with a grin, joining her on the spread and stretching his legs in front of him. “Everything has a beginning and an end, I’m afraid.”

“Killjoy,” she giggled, giving him a gentle punch on his shoulder. “Are you hungry? Because I’m properly starved.”

“I ate this morning,” he shrugged - and Rose got the underlying meaning that no, he wasn’t hungry, and probably wouldn’t be until the morning later. “I’ve packed food for you, though. Chicken sandwich and crisps alright?”

“Perfect. Gimme.”

  
  


The Doctor watched with a fond smile his tiny greedy human stuff a good half of the triangle sandwich into her mouth and chew away with an exaggerated roll of her eyes and a much too relieved sigh for it to sound real.

  
  


“It’s rude to watch people eat,” Rose chastised a second later, playfully pushing his calf with the tip of her foot.

“Isn’t it rude to talk with your mouth full, too?” he chuckled, unable to resist the temptation to pick off a crumb of bread that was precariously hanging at the corner of her mouth.

“If my mouth were full I wouldn’t be able to talk.”

“You should try it, some other time,” he grinned from ear to ear, glad to see they had fallen back into their old banter habits.

“Yeah, and you should try it too, put that gob of yours to rest a little,” she shot back, careful to make her bag of crisps burst open with a loud pop. “Want some?”

“Oh, no, I’d rather wait for dessert.”

  
  


He was quite sure the wiggle of his eyebrows and the seductive tone that went with his words had not been intentional, but it still made Rose choke on a crisp and he noticed her eyes watered almost instantly. 

  
  


“I meant marshmallows, Gods,” he quickly elaborated with a raging blush, reaching in the pile of food to fetch a large plastic bag of candies. “You humans and your perverted minds, you’re impossible.”

  
  


The Doctor huffed uneasily when Rose stared at him for a very uncomfortable amount of time, and then burst out laughing so hard she had to abandon her bag of crisps in the grass to clench her hands on her sides.

  
  


“Yeah, laugh while you still can,” he mumbled, though unable to keep a smile from growing on his face despite his still glowing red cheeks.

“Oh my God, Doctor,” she managed to say between breath-consuming fits of giggles. “You  _ really  _ should try to keep your mouth full sometimes.”

“Probably, indeed,” he grinned - and, no, that definitely wasn’t a shiver of adoration that coursed through him at the sight of a gleeful Rose Tyler. “So, roasted marshmallows or not?”

“Oh yes, definitely,” she nodded as she wiped her tears, straightening into a sitting position to take the stick she was handed. 

  
  


The Doctor planted a big, fluffy pink candy on the tip of her stick and did the same for him before they brought them to the flames of the campfire. Soon, the sound of crepitating sugar filled the otherwise silent atmosphere, except for the hushed sounds of nocturnal animals crawling in the dark. Night had fallen much faster than Rose had expected, and she realized that the only source of light allowing them to see each other was now the one from their fire. She was suddenly drawn by the Doctor’s face. How the flames seemed to dance over his features, highlighting his round cheekbones, adding more contrast to the crinkles at the corner of his eyes, making his pouty lower lip more prominent than ever.  For the first time in a long, very long time, she allowed herself to appreciate how handsome that face was. She gave in the temptation to study his deep chocolate brown eyes, sparkling with a ferocious storm of emotions, some awkwardly human, others disconcertingly alien. She’d never really looked into those eyes, because he’d never quite looked into hers either. Sometimes, she wondered if it was because he was scared of what she’d find in their depth, or because he didn’t trust her enough to share such an intimate moment with her. His ever fleeting gaze spoke louder than words, and she’d never tried to catch it. He didn’t want to let her in. He must have had his reasons.

  
  


“Ouch, s...ugar,” Rose cursed loudly when an actual piece of boiling sugar flicked on the tip of her thumb, probably because she’d been too lost in her contemplation to pay attention to her melting piece of candy.

“You should be more careful, love,” the Doctor said softly, setting his own stick down to cradle her hand in a gentle hold. 

  
  


He wrapped his long fingers at the base of her thumb and observed the bright red mark on her skin, unaware that Rose had stopped breathing the moment he’d unconsciously used  _ that  _ term of endearment. 

  
  


“I can fix that, if you want,” he offered - and suddenly his gaze wasn’t fleeting any longer, looking into her eyes with a softness she had never seen before. “May sound odd, but I can actually kiss it better.”

“Yeah,” her voice came out, strained and trembling. “Yes, please.”

  
  


The way he tenderly pressed his lips on the sore patch of skin made her heartbeat stutter and a pleasant warmth spread through her arm. His mouth lingered on her finger for longer than what was probably necessary, but she didn’t mind. She loved the silk of his lips on her skin, the caress of his breath on her knuckles, the lukewarm feel of his hand around hers. That was a proper romantic scene, Rose thought as she observed with acute fascination the way his long eyelashes fluttered, rising up to his eyebrows when he looked at her above their joined hands, a flame shining in the depth of his is pupils that was not a simple reflection of the campfire. The intensity of the moment, for one blessed second, had Rose think that something was changing between them. But as soon as the burn was healed, he let go of her hand and his face froze back into an unreadable expression.

  
  


“It’s about to start,” he announced - and if he had noticed just how much Rose was affected by his sudden mood shift, he gave no sign whatsoever that he cared. “Are you cold?”

“Yes,” Rose whispered, although the cold, the icy cold she felt was definitely not a consequence of the breeze softly blowing around them.

  
  


The Doctor reached into the basket and produced a long, thick scarf that he was quick to wrap around her shoulders, oblivious to the tears that were gathering in her eyes, to the way she reluctantly let him draw her closer to him so she could put her head on his own shoulder. A sob threatened to break through the tight seal of her lips when he twined his fingers with hers, but she reigned it in. There was nothing to crying about. This had just been a moment of shared weakness. A single false note in the otherwise harmonious, albeit simple, melody of their relationship -  _ friendship _ , Rose thought with vehemence.

  
  


“Look, Rose,” he murmured excitedly, pointing at the rising blue moon in the distance. “Isn’t that beautiful?”

“Beautiful, yes,” she smiled through her bitterness.

  
  


Under any other circumstances, she might have thought it was, anyway. But in that moment, nothing could find favor in her eyes, not even that wonderful sphere shedding its eerie blue light on their surroundings. She closed her eyes and listened to the sound of his regular breath, both a soothing lullaby and a painful reminder that she’d never hear that breath the way she really wanted to - close to ear, whispering words his mouth would never pronounce. 

 

Rose waited a reasonable amount of time before she declared the touch of his hand uncomfortably hot and the sound of that breath torturously loud, and disentangled her fingers from his.

  
  


“Sleep?” she suggested, not waiting for his answer to rise on her feet and unwrap the scarf from around her body.

“Yep,” he agreed with a small bow of the head. “I’ll take the spread, you take the sleeping bag.”

“Oh, for the love of God, don’t be daft,” Rose muttered a tad more angrily than she had first intended. “The sleeping bag is big enough for the both of us. I’m not going to jump you in your sleep, if that’s what you’re so scared of.”

“I just… Don’t want to be a pain,” the Doctor apologized softly as he got up. “I can move quite a lot in my sleep, you know.”

“I don’t mind, yeah?” she sighed, her anger giving way to lassitude. “Just… Get your skinny arse in that sleeping bag, okay? Please.”

“Okay,” he simply answered, apparently unwilling to push her buttons too hard. “Okay.”

  
  


Rose thanked him under her breath and opted not to change into the jimjams she had brought in her backpack, much too mentally exhausted to do anything else but slip into the cushioned sleeping bag and let her heavy body melt into it. She heard the light ruffling of clothes as he probably divested himself of his jacket, and a few seconds later she felt the thin mattress dip on her left side. Ten seconds more and she also felt the touch of his cold fingers on her arm and the light press of his lips on her temple.

  
  


“Goodnight, Rose Tyler,” he murmured in a breath. 

 

* * *

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I wasn't expecting so much angst, this is definitely *not* what I had in mind when I started to write this. Sorry.
> 
> I hope you'll still like it, please let me know what you think! :)

* * *

 

 

An hour slowly ticked away. And Rose still couldn’t sleep. The only thing she could focus on was the weight on her side, the unnerving presence of the Doctor lying next to her. He was both too close and too far away. His fingers hadn’t left her arm, his even breath was still caressing her face, and it was torturous. The touch of his hand, usually comforting and reassuring, was now making her every muscles so tense a slight tingle of pain was coursing through her whole body. The sound and the feel of his calm breathing were  too rough on her skin and too loud in her ears. But she was too scared to break the unspoken contract they seemed to have weaved between them, contract that stated none of them should move. Because he was just as still as she was, Rose believed he hadn’t managed to find sleep either, and that made the situation even more awkward. Made her even more self-conscious of the sound of her own breathing, of the sound echoing in her throat when she swallowed with difficulty. She wished she had let him sleep on the spread.

 

Rose’s breath hitched in her throat when he suddenly shifted, and, without a single warning, the tip of his nose was pressing into her cheek and his arm wrapping around her waist.

  
  


“Don’t go,” he mumbled against her jaw - a quiet breath that made her ears ring just as much as if he’d screamed. “Please, don’t ever leave me.”

  
  


He must have been asleep then, Rose thought has she struggled to calm her racing pulse and force some air into her lungs. So much for the  _ I move a lot in my sleep _ excuse. She dared to glance at his face dimly lit by the place blue moonlight, and a wave of affection coursed through her as she took it his frown, his contorted mouth, his tightly shut eyes. There was something heartbreaking about that face. The despair, the fear, the pain, the insecurity. Things she’d never realized she could make him feel. Things she’s never been aware were plaguing him. Had she really given off the impression that she wanted to leave? The guilt that bubbled in her stomach and brought tears to her eyes certainly thought so. Her fingers went to fiddle with a few spikes of his hair as she readjusted his head on her shoulder.

  
  


“I’m never leaving,” she murmured against the top of his head. “I promise, I’m never leaving you, my Doctor.”

  
  


Those words had a sigh escape from his parted lips and his body shuffle even closer to her hers.

  
  


“Love you,” he whispered against the skin of her neck - and this time she couldn’t prevent the broken sound of a sob from rising in her throat.

  
  


Her eyes squinted tightly shut when he took a deep breath in and stretched, his back arching towards her and the hold of his fingers tightening momentarily on her hip. She did her best to wipe her tears as quickly as she could, but it was too late. He’d seen them. His face instantly melted into a worried expression and he lifted himself up on an elbow, bringing a hand to her cheek.

  
  


“Rose?” he asked, voice barely above a breath. “What is it? What happened?”

  
  


For the first time in a long, long time, Rose was the one trying to avert his gaze while he was desperately trying to catch her eyes. She simply didn’t know what to say, or what to do, the confession still slamming against the walls of her skull in a cacophony that caused a faint but growing headache. She couldn’t think. Couldn’t decide if she should be relieved she had never gotten any of those little signals he’d sent wrong, happy that he’d finally declared what he truly for her, or angry that he’d needed to be asleep to do it. If he did love her, that was one thing. Constantly refusing to acknowledge his feelings was another. And always rejecting hers was yet another. 

  
  


“You,” she finally answered, still refusing to look at him, unable to see the sad puppy face he’d probably give her. “You happened.”

“Is it something I’ve said?” he probed, his voice more and more uncertain. “Did I say something wrong?”

“From what I’ve gathered so far, yeah, wrong fits,” she huffed, swatting his hands away. “It is to you, at least.”

“Rose, what…”

“Nevermind, Doctor,” she muttered as she rolled on the side, tightening her hold on the cover of the sleeping bag. “Just go back to sleep, it’s late.”

  
  


She breathed in deeply to tame the tempest of disappointment and anger that was sizzling through her veins. When the sound of her blood rushing in her ears dulled to a soft pulsing and her fingers slackened around the soft material of the cover, she released that breath in a long, controlled exhale and closed her eyes. She just wanted to forget about those words, forget that this had ever happened. But she had longed to hear them for so long, wished so hard that one day, he’d have the courage to act upon all those feelings he’d let transpire more than once, hoped in the deepest corners of her heart that someday, the Doctor would let her in. It was impossible to forget. 

  
  


“Why is it so hard for you to love me?” Rose suddenly blurted out, wincing when the words left her mouth before she could stop them. “And why is it so hard for you to let me love you?”

  
  


Rose expected him to start babbling words of denial, protesting vehemently, possibly laughing at her stupidity, but only a heavy silence answered her question. She felt him hover over her, his fingers trace the creases of her hoodie on her side, his nose brush against some of her hair. And then she felt a single droplet of water crash on temple and the soft pop of his mouth opening.

  
  


“It’s hard because it hurts,” she heard him say through a quivering sob. “It hurts so much. You’re human. You’ll be gone from my life within the blink of an eye and it terrifies me. I’m terrified, Rose. Properly terrified. Everytime I look into your eyes, I can see your life ticking away, and all I can think about is the moment you won’t be there anymore.”

  
  


Rose took a second to swallow her tears, and when she trusted her voice enough, she rolled on her back and gently pressed her fingertips on his cheeks streaming with tears.

  
  


“Don’t you think it’s better to live on memories than on regrets?” she asked softly, devastated to see the atrocious pain shining in the depth of his eyes. “Doctor… I know I won’t live forever, but for as long as I do, I want to be there for you. Please, let me be there for you. Let me love you.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking, Rose,” he whispered, more tears rolling down the sides of his nose to drip from its tip.

“Memories, or regrets?” she pressed further, knowing an ultimatum was the only to get him to make a decision. “That’s all I’m asking, Doctor.” 

  
  


She watched him close his eyes forcefully, tears hanging from his eyelashes and lips so tightly pinched that his mouth was now a thin, pale line drawn on his hurt features. She could almost see the gears turning in his brain, almost hear the quick double heartbeat in his chest, almost feel his breath getting stuck in his throat. His hesitation laster for a minute, or an hour, she couldn’t be quite sure, be he finally opened his eyes again and started through her with a vulnerability that wrenched her heart.

  
  


“Memories,” he breathed out, bringing a hand to the side of her face. “I’ve had enough of regrets.”

  
  


Rose melted in a tornado of love and compassion when he lowered his head to press his soft lips against hers in a searing kiss. It was sow, gentle, but full of so much relief and unspoken truths that she highly doubted a kiss could ever bear so much intensity ever again. Each tender brush of their lips erased their doubts, each caress swept off their fears, until only their communicative love remained. Time became a foreign concept as they lost themselves in each other, lips parting, tongues dancing an uncoordinated ballet that left them longing for more.

  
  


“Rose,” the Doctor groaned softly against her mouth, struggling to find the right words. “I’m… I…”

“Love me, my Doctor,” she murmured, his hips pressed against hers making words quite unnecessary. “Please, love me.”

  
  


There was no hurried fumbling when he reached down to unbutton his trousers and shove them down his legs along with his underwear, no urgency when he did the same for Rose’s jeans. Just lazy kisses sown on heated face, nips given at jaws, light caresses on naked skin. Just enough for their shared passion to roar to life. Rose shivered deep down to her bones as the Doctor covered her body with his, their hips meeting at the end of his first thrust. They picked up a slow, comfortable rhythm that allowed their eyes to interlock and speak of their mutual euphoria that came with the recognition that they finally were making one. Their palms found each other on the side of her face, his fingers clasping around hers in a hold that meant he’d never let her go. 

  
  


“I love you,” the Doctor confessed at last in a whimper, the pace of his hips increasing ever so slightly. “I love you so much, my Rose.”

“I love you, too,” was Rose’s reply before their lips met in bruising kiss, both unable to speak any longer.

  
  


When it became too hard to keep their mouth joined because of their pants, they just stared into each others souls, the blue moon shedding its soft blue light on their faces, highlighting the pleasure painted over their features when they both fell into the precipice of bliss. 

  
  


The morning later, they wouldn’t have to pretend.

 

* * *

 


End file.
